10/31/12

          Something cathartic happens when I put pen to paper. My words come - words that I fear to speak, words that are painful. Memories manifest themselves and force their way onto paper.

          Right now, it's the reality of living after a loved one is gone. I've knows death before - my great grandfather, my high school friend, my stepfather... but the loss of a 'dear' friend, now, that is something else altogether. The previous deaths hurt in varying degrees, distance allowing the pain to not be as sharp. However, this friend, Rachelle, was like a sister to me. I call her 'my heart'.

        She loved me for who I am. The woman she knew was emerging. The woman she knew was healing from past pain, disappointment, shame... She encouraged me to dream, to dare to reach higher and farther than ever before. She knew risk, she knew it'd be worth it.

       It's because of her impact on my life that tears, a heavy heart and an upset stomach come as they please. It's almost like there's a special place in the heart where grief is felt. The same heaviness, the same feeling of deep sadness.

      I loved her well. I keep needing to remind myself of that. I have no regrets in our friendship. We laughed a ton, ate a ton, we were, and are, bonded forever.

     She got the easy gig. She's worshiping Jesus night and day, while I live life missing her laugh, her smile, just her. 

     She'd appreciate the season I'm in. The season of self-discovery. The painful 'want' to know what's coming, but the pride and joy that comes with learning who you are and what you love. What you were created to do.

     She'd encourage me to go on a few dates. To let men lead, to let them take me out to dinner, and start what could be a forever relationship. She's ask me to not play it safe. To risk in relationships, to let myself be surprised.

    And so I'm here, living life to the fullest 'cause that's the season I'm living in, but also doing so in memory of a dear, beloved friend.

           -Sol