Relationships and God: More

I have been attending a small group style class at my church, University Presbyterian Church Fresno. The class helps us engage with how key relationships have (or have not) helped us gain a deeper understanding of God. We have been engaging with podcasts from Parenting ReImagined, and using individual podcasts to ask questions and discuss as a group. It's been powerful to engage with a group of people I am growing to know, and have them ask questions about my journey. As I've become more aware of the key relationships in my life, and their potential to affect and enhance my relationship with God, I've mulled that over more and more.

Recently I've realized that 'quiet times' (or time designated to spend with God) are not the highlight of my week. It's not because I'm busy, or because I don't know what to do during that time. The deterrent is the anticipated outcome. I have noticed that as I begin my quiet time, I am wary. Hesitant. The image of a small animal who walks slowly and quietly across the room so as not to disturb its master.

Although I rarely leave my quiet time this way, I anticipate being chastised or reprimanded. And as I anticipate that, the lens through which I engage with Jesus is anger, disappointment, and shame. Words of affirmation feel far and few, while words of disappointment and striving are loud, clear, and heavy.

I continue to learn that relationships I've experienced, and continue to experience shape what I expect from God. I painfully admit the key family relationships have amplified being wary and hesitant as I encounter God. If you know my family history, you know my father was almost completely out of the picture. My mom raised three girls while constantly working.

Growing up as a latch-key kid, and having two older sisters, I spent a lot of time reading, coloring, and reading. I was soft-spoken, polite, even-tempered. As I went to school, I excelled. I worked my way into the Gifted Program, advanced Math courses, and as many AP classes as they'd let me take in high school. Being the 'golden child', excellence was expected; anything less was a lecture, a reprimand, a look that spoke volumes. Work harder. Make the family proud, don't perpetuate the stereotype of Latino slackers.

It's a similar response I expect from God. I expect an evaluation of the week, and a stern look is disappointment. The question of, "That's it?" I expect disappointment of where I am, a lecture on how I've failed. I feel like I constantly need to do more, earn my keep, to prove why I am a Daughter.

I know this isn't true, but that's part of engaging with God; engaging the pain, and learning to hear the words of affirmation readily given. More and more this has come in the form of friends. The men and women I choose to surround myself with are funny, genuine, and they love me. Not going to lie, that blows me away some days. I'm learning to receive the hugs, compliments, and long talks as they come. You know, rather than taking them at face value and questioning whether they were obligatory or not.

I'm learning my place as a daughter, sister, and friend. Accepting that I am incredibly cherished simply because. Learning to let my current key relationships speak volumes, and having the grace to understand that we all fail at loving each other sometimes.